Time: Change

My friend and I were discussing about our change from atheist to theist. She asked me the changes that happened. The following were the reply I gave to her. I thought of posting and hence this blog.

I followed blindly whatever was taught

Until my age of twelve, I never analyzed anything and blindly followed what my elders in my family have taught. My uncle (Chitappa) thought me to pray for the well being of all. My father guided me to pray for honesty. My mother guided me to pray for my well being. I religiously followed all the three. I had a fear of god rather than devotion. I was afraid that if I do something wrong, god will punish me. I was careful in all my activities.

I renounced Idol worship:

At the end my twelfth year, I had upanyanam (a ceremony supposed to be held for all male to have brahmopadesam). I was thought how do perform my daily rituals. At age of twelve, I was interested in sports and games rather than these rituals. My father worked in shifts, so I performed my daily rituals only when he is at home. I skipped many sub-parts of the rituals. I was cheating myself and my mother (because, she doesn’t know what I am supposed to do). Whenever I don’t do my rituals regularly, my mother would threaten me that if I don’t do my nithyakarma (daily rituals) I will not be blessed by GOD. That was the first time I started thinking IS GOD EGOISTIC? Why does he will not bless me if I don’t do my rituals properly? What about those who are not in my religion? They never do these rituals. Does that mean GOD will not bless them? My mother then taught me to pray to Lord Ganesh to avoid any hindrances, Goddess Saraswathi for wisdom and Goddess Lakshmi for wealth and so many other deities. There is some reference that there are some 33 million deities in Hinduism. I was wondering why there should be 33 million deities in Hinduism, whereas there is only one in other religions. On serious analysis, at that age, I came to a conclusion that, all the images and names of these deities, irrespective of religion, were given by us. Thus I renounced Idol worship. I just prayed. This didn’t last for long.

I declared there is no GOD:

Few months after my upanayanam, I happened to meet my father's friend who is an atheist. It was some festival day. I guess it is deepawali. There was some discussion and the thread slowly moved into existence of God and the discussion suddenly changed into an argument. But my father’s friend didn’t want to have the argument and to stop it, he asked me show him the GOD for him to believe. (In later part of my life, 99% of the atheist, I have come across; ask the same question to prove God does not exist). For him he just wanted to stop the argument, but that made me to think. I could not accept the defeat. I wanted to show him the GOD. How do I show him the GOD? I myself haven’t seen Him. But why I haven’t seen him yet? I believe my mother as mother, only because she was told so. But I don’t know whether I was really born to her. There are scientific methods for that to be proved, if required. Similarly is there any way to prove that God exists and created these entire universes and whatever you and I can guess of? If I can see my mother or father but why not god? If he is so merciful, then why doesn’t he come before me? Why everybody pray to god?

Most of the slokas for e.g., Purushasuktham , when i learnt the translated texts, it does not give a great meaning. It just portrayed how Purusha will look like, when one gets a darshan. Lord Vishnu was narrated with human body parts. In Vishnu Sahasranamam, he was called with 1008 names. I started wondering whether God is egoistic? Why would he want everybody to praise him? If at all he really wants so, what is the difference between the mortal person and Him? I could not find an answer. I became an atheist (Probably an easier way to avoid mind blowing questions). I claimed myself to be the member of the elite team of modern thinkers, who claim the non-existence of God. I sported sacred thread (Poonal, a thread sported as a sign of upanayanam) only to satisfy my parent’s requirement. I went to temple just to satisfy my parents.

Am I alone?

At my age of 15, I was about to give my public exam. I was very average student. I never thought I would be successful in my public exam. After giving the exam I was worried that if I would pass the examination. What would happen if failed in my examination? I realized I waste my time. I should have studied well. If I have the same time now I will do my real best. Can I bring back the time. I wanted someone to help me. But who is there to help me? Who is that person? Neither my parents nor my friends nor any living being can bring the time back for me to read well and write the exam. Then I wondered who controls the time? Who is that controls the destiny? I am the one who controls my destiny. I am the one who controls my time. But I cannot repair my destiny or the past time. I wanted some one who could help me in repairing my past. There is no one to help me. Am I alone?

Time Factor:

I started analyzing when time started? Logically there should be an origin for anything. If time had origin, then what do we call period before such origin? Doesn’t that also form part of time? Then I understood time doesn’t have an origin or end. Something flashed me; Shiva does not have an origin or end. Does Shiva mean the name of a Hindu deity? I looked up the dictionary. The word Shiva has many meaning. One such meaning is period. If after all I could not understand time, then for sure, I have not understood God.

Origin:

My friends celebrated my sixteenth birthday in train. An old man in the train asked my age and i gave it. He commented that Japanese, count their age from their origin (I don’t know if it is true or not). But I was wondering what he refers to as origin. He meant that, they count their age as number of years from their birth and add a tentative period of in womb. It is ridiculous as it is very tough to calculate that. But the point to be analyzed is I had an origin. It resulted because of the biological intercourse of my parents. And similarly the loop continues to the first human being. Science says human originated from an ape, and the ape from some other species. Science could penetrate enough to say that the first life formed because of some scientific reaction. It gave the explanation as how the scientific reaction took place. It explained from where various elements to the reaction came from. How galaxies were formed. How first life originated. But it was to an extent. It could say there are various galaxies. And each galaxy is result of some scientific reaction of huge volume of gas, dust and heat. And the galaxy got separated with the application of their individual force of attraction, called as gravity. But where is the origin of these gas, dust, gravity, heat, space? Is there any limit for space? Is there any limit for heat? Is there any limit for time? They neither have origin nor end. But something is controlling everything.

Realization of vicious circle:

I realized I am not alone. Someone / something is with me. My language and thinking capacity is limited so I say there is someone / something that controls. But there is another question, if something/someone controls everything, which controls that something / someone. Where is the origin of that something / someone? Now I have got into a vicious circle. No answer.

Partiality:

I sometimes also wonder why there are partialities. In case of twins for whom all the biological factors were similar, the external factors were similar, but end up two totally different personalities. Why is there a partiality? Is it because of the balancing of virtues and vices they have done? There are some cases where, amongst twins, one is healthy and the other die of some deficiency. In that case, where is the question of virtues and vices? Is there any left over balances of virtues and vices in previous birth? Is there any concept of previous birth? Should I believe it? a) Yes. b) No. Is there any one to take account of these balancing? Is someone / something taking control of all these?

Possible Stands:

I can take two stands. A) There is nothing or no one to control everything but control alone exists. B) There is something / someone to control but could not understand who / which is that.

Results of my stand:

1. If I take the stand A that there exists no God and does not attempt to substantiate my stand to myself, I stand to loose from the benefits in knowing God.

2. If I take stand A that there exist no God and does something to substantiate my stand to myself, I either stand a chance of shifting to stand B or to go stronger in my stand. But that doesn’t give any benefit to me but for growing stronger in my stand.

3. If I take a stand of B that god exists but does no attempt to substantiate my stand, I still stand to loose from the benefits of knowing God.

4. If I take the stand of B that god exists and also attempts to substantiate my stand, I either stand a chance of shifting to A or go stronger in my belief and reap the benefits of knowing God.

Blame it on God:

In an all positive thinking, if god exists, and I too believe his existence, and in an attempt to substantiate my stand to myself, if I realize who god is, I reap the benefits of knowing the God. Hence I started believing existence of god and finding means to substantiate my stand to myself. Now as a starting point I have started to shoulder everything that is above my logical analysis as God. God controls this universe, galaxies and that entire thing which is above our control and imagination.

Back to square one

By the time when I wrote this blog, its been more than 13 years and I have come to a full circle. I realised why there is an element of "God". I realised why idol worship makes sense. I realised why those supposedly mundane hymns and verses of slokas actually make sense.  Unfortunately all of these no one can explain, it has to be experienced. Until one has it as a personal experience, no amount of logic or arguments can explain.